Perhaps time will tell.
Only five words have been changed from one verse to the other.
Perhaps commenters will do me the favor of being honest?
Perhaps time will tell.
— K
stars shine
and birds sing
while leaves turn green
and on a distant hill,
alone,
a clarinet a solo plays
to tell a maid
a man’s her love
—
stars fade
and silent birds
watch leaves turn brown
but on a distant hill,
alone,
a clarinet a solo plays
to tell a maid
a man’s her love.
© Copyright, Kay Davies, 2011
Posted for Open Link Monday at
Imaginary Garden with Real Toads
"Real Toads" is a wonderful group of writer-bloggers who offer support to one another, and also to visitors, in their search for the creative ideal. It is, I find, an elusive dream for all but a special few. Every day, however, a writer of the future is born.
To see poems posted by others, please click HERE!
15 comments:
It's a cute first verse and I like the concept of almost mirroring the words from verse to verse. But to be honest, I don't quite get the point of the 2nd part of the poem, unless it is to say that despite the change of seasons, a man is still the maid's love.
what an interesting name. In Australia, Cane toads are not popular.
What do you do? critic one another's work?
Kay,
A clever way of verse construction of contrasts between the two stanza. Is there a name for it or just your brilliant invention. Great verse!
Hank
@ Joyful — Yes, it's to show the love hasn't changed even though the seasons have.
— K
@ Ann — Yes, admire or critique or make suggestions or just be supportive. I'm just a visitor there, however. And the name of the bog is "Imaginary Garden with Real Toads" which I take to mean it's something wonderful but still contains reality.
@ kaykuala — The form is my own invention, I don't know about brilliant, but thank you! I appreciate that.
— K
reminds of Keats: the poetry of earth is never dead. keep posting :)
I like the simple mirror way it works. It brought it to a stand-still and showed her constant waiting, frozen in time, just for him.
Dear Kay, I love when you play with our imagination.This poem is a source of inspiration, merci beaucoup!
Léia
The simplicity, the depth, and the vividness. The verse construction has contrast and similarities. It's brevity causes the reader to use his or her own thinking. As with other artistic expressions, interpretation of the author may well differ from the reader's. I like it. Thanks Kay, for sharing.
I like this - the way the seasons change yet love is constant.
I think your form is brilliat. Just a few word changes shows a summer longing. Very clever and beautiful! Have a great day! Thank you for visiting me.
I really liked what you did here - I'm amazed how the few word substitutions changed the mood completely from stanza 1 to 2.
Thanks for sharing your poetry on Real Toads.
I am horribly logical, and clarinets don't play solos- clarinetists do! I like the green to brown for the split in the season's, but would like to see the line
"a clarintet a solo plays"
re-jigges somehow?
Maybe
"a solo clarinet is played
with notes of love
from man to maid."
Dang bust it! Sorry, I can't get away from blasted rhymes! LOL
@ Jinksy — You made me laugh. I know it's the clarinetist playing, and the clarinet being played, but I was exercising my poetic license.
— K
Kay - this works so well. I like this, a lot. Very nicely done. The song still plays though the seasons change. Just a few words make such a difference.
Kay - I think your toad sings! lol, not a toad at all. It has a lovely, olden-time feel to it with the language, though I had to re-read the line 'a clarinet a solo plays'
I do like the way you have changed so few words and still conveyed the message.
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